As appearing in Spots, March 1999
Copyright © 1999 by Michael Stewart, All Rights Reserved
March might come in like a lion and go out like a lamb, but the weeks in between usually bring with them some pretty tame times. The holidays are long over, it's too early to start making plans for camping season, and it doesn't take long to figure out which bar is going to have the best green beer and attract the most, "I'm too drunk to know what I'm doing" straight guys. It's time for mindless fun!
The most hilarious thing I've seen in years is presented courtesy of Los Angeles' sketch-comedy group, the Van Gogh-Goghs sketch comedy group. "Furniture Porn" (at http://www.fringenet.com/vgg/furnporn1.html), is a riotous spoof on the zillions of hardcore porn sites that permeate the net. If you've ever noticed how "boilerplate" most adult-oriented sites are -- or been spammed by them while sitting in an AOL chat room -- you'll wet yourself laughing at segments like, "Hot Outdoor Action," featuring chaise lounges, or, "The Office Party," where, "Mr. Overstuffed decides to give a 'full interview' to a hot colonial number named Tawny!" Pay special attention to the faux click-through banners.
If dry wit and subtlety doesn't do it for you, head on over to the Centre for the Easily Amused, at http://www.amused.com. One of the few online sites with a vintage from before the Internet got trendy, you could easily spend the entire month happily wasting time here. You'll find new brain-withering fun just about every day, but don't ignore some of the tried-and-true favorites, such as the, "Amuse-O-Matic 2000" (at http://www.amused.com/amuso.html), or the "Peeling Paint Web-Cam," which promises, "hours of fun for the easily amused" at http://www.amused.com/paintcam.
Another venerable Internet tradition with a years-long pedigree are the Darwin Awards, presented - posthumously - to those who, "take themselves out of the gene pool in the most spectacular and stupid fashion." Many versions of the Darwin Awards can be found online, but one of the most recently updated can be found at http://www.tiac.net/users/cri/darwin.html. If you've ever had the sense that the men you've dated hail from the absolute bottom of the barrel, you'll feel much better about yourself (and them), after reading the winners, nominees and honorable mentions for the annual dubious distinction. You can also find links there to some of the other Darwin Awards sites.
Of course, not every moron is elimated from the gene pool in some horrifying fashion; some just get computers and use the reach of the World Wide Web to demonstrate their idiocy. If you've ever been on the receiving end of one of those hoary chestnuts about child actors dying from ingesting Pop-Rocks and soda, or Richard Gere and the gerbil, or the $250 cookie recipe, surf on over to the AFU & Urban Legends Archive, at http://www.urbanlegends.com. Culled from years worth of postings to the alt.folklore.urban newsgroup, this site lovingly debunks -- or in a very few cases, confirms -- all of those stories your friends swear are true from the mother's hairdresser's assistant's cousin's best-friend's boyfriend. Be sure not to miss the automatically-updated "Top Urban Legends" page (at http://www.urbanlegends.com/top10/). If you're one of those who feels compelled to send to all corners of the planet the letter about the little girl dying of cancer who wants e-mail or the ICQ message threatening your removal if you don't forward it to everyone you know, this site will clue you in on what a ghastly no-no you've committed.
If the AFU site merely whets your appetite for proof that your significant other is not the dumbest man on the face of the earth, point your browser at the "News of the Weird" website (at http://www.nine.org/notw/notw.html), which reproduces on the web Chuck Shepherd's weekly syndicated (and oft-cloned), column of bizarre news stories. Out of respect for the newspapers that pay to carry Shepherd's work, the posting of each installment is delayed by several weeks, but stuff like this just doesn't go stale.
If low-brow hijinks that end in the trauma ward aren't your cup of tea, you can limit yourself to nothing worse than offenses against good taste by checking out the ever-popular "Worst of the Web" at http://www.worstoftheweb.com/. Updated on a daily basis, this compendium of crap highlights some of the world's best illustrations of why some people should not be allowed to own computers. Accompanied by commentary ranging from the merely disparaging to the downright acerbic, this is a must-visit site if you've ever been tempted to put together your own homepage and want a few clues on what not to do.
| Michael Stewart is northeastern Pennsylvania's leading authority on the gay Internet. From his beginnings over a decade ago as the operator of one of the first multi-user online gay bulletin board systems, to his current incarnation as an internationally award-winning website designer and Internet solutions consultant, Michael's always been at the bleeding edge of the telecommunications world. Questions or suggestions for future columns can be e-mailed to him at michael@michaelstewart.com, or visit his personal website at http://www.michaelstewart.com. |